The wonderful month of June is upon us. The warmer weather and imminent arrival of summer. This would all seem to be an exciting, happy thing. Summer vacation, going to camp, and on and on it goes... For others, well for me, June poses a promise for a potentially cruddy month. For those of you who don't know me, or even if you do, might ask, "Why?" I guess some back story should be included in my explanation. Almost 21 years ago I was in a serious car accident. Not only was I injured, but, my best friend; the person who I loved and adored the most, was killed. I was "out" of it for the entire summer. Completely out of it for first two weeks. Therefore there was no real closure.
For those who haven't gone through something like this, you may think that time heals all things. It's been 21 years, why aren't you over it? As a friend of mine, who is too familiar with this topic, has succinctly said, "It's doesn't get easier, it just gets older." And it gets easier to hide. It doesn't go away.... Ever. A song, a tv show, a name will stop you in your tracks and leave you reeling. I can honestly say this happens to me still, 21 years later.
You've heard of those "life-changing" moments. Well this was one of them-- and not a good one. I know I was young, but, I thought I had my life/future figured out. Everything was going great. Summer vacation plans were set, "future -- FUTURE" plans were being kicked around and then in the blink of an eye, everything is changed... It is amazing how a tragedy like this can flip your life upside down and backwards. It was a major life "reset." I still think of my life in the "then" and "now." The "then" me and the "now" me are very different. I have talked with a couple of my friends who have had similar life changes, and they know exactly what I mean.
It also gives life a very different perspective, that I think you can only get through a personal tragedy. You have a greater appreciation for the people in your life and realize that you are NOT invincible, as a human being. All the petty complaints that you hear from people in general seem very trivial and stupid. It's easy to forget how precious life is, until you lose someone so suddenly, especially at a young age. The computer crashing, car breaking down, laundry to fold, screaming children, all seem very minor.
I personally think I stowed this part of my life in the "work on later folder". It wasn't until the son, of a friend of mine, passed away, unexpectedly and I went with her to parent bereavement meetings. These meetings were a real eye opener to true agony and opened the "floodgates". There were parents at these meetings who lost children as far as 30+ years, and still came to these meetings to share feelings and stories about their children. This is because they know this is a group of people, who want to hear about their children, no matter how long it has been, since their child/ren passed away. My personal experience with death is nowhere near as poignant as a parent's loss of a child, but, I feel I can relate on a certain level. I personally know what it's like to not want to get out of bed, ever, again. Laying in bed and praying that God will take you, too. Asking why, why, WHY?! And getting no answer. In my situation, it all seemed surreal and dreamlike, too (no real closure -- like I mentioned before.)
I have also learned that saying, "It's God's will," "You are so strong," etcetera isn't necessarily the best thing to say (please note I am guilty party, too.) I cringe when I see Facebook posts or hear people say things like that. What choice did these people have? Give up? Life goes on as "they" always say, whether you like it or not. Your loved one isn't there any more and that certainly isn't what you wanted -- as was pointed out in a book about suicide, that I recently read. It may not seem like a profound statement, but, any way you look at it, it's true. There will be no more phone calls, no more letters/emails, no more fun times. No new memories or milestones to reach.
Another thing that this accident showed me was who you could count on, when times got really rough (not many -- if any in the long run.) For some I think it is an "out of sight, out of mind" thing or they just aren't comfortable with the topic. What I learned from the bereavement meetings, was that it is really okay to say the loved ones name or share a story. Tears are a healing point and they will never go away. Yes, that person is no longer with us, but, that doesn't mean that they weren't part of our lives. These people will never be forgotten and through the sharing of memories, it keeps them with us, the only way possible. It's a beautiful thing to find a friend you can openly share those wonderful memories with whenever you want.
A while back I created a Facebook account and started "catching up" with people from my past. Some of whom I never dreamed of contacting, again (or ever.) It wasn't until then I realized the enormous effect of the accident. I have read some books on grief and seen many movies (I am a glutton for punishment.) One clear fact is that grieving can be a selfish thing. What I mean is that "Me, Myself and I" thought I was the only one (besides his family and maybe some close friends) who still had a hard time dealing with this loss. I started reaching out and sharing some personal things from my past (with a select few) and made a startling discovery that some of my friends' lives were still deeply affected, too. I seriously had no clue (me being selfish.) I made some amazing connections with a few of these people and couldn't help feeling slightly guilty of my ignorance and selfishness. Some of these people shared stories and pictures, that I had never heard before or seen. It didn't seem possible to find great/new memories so many years later. It was amazing!
I could go on and on about this topic, but, will end it here, with these last words... I have come to terms with the "why" and I am fine with not seeing the "whole" picture. I understand that not all things are made clear or make sense, while we are on this planet, in human form. I try not to dwell on the "what ifs." That would just make me crazy! I believe there will be an eternity to figure it all out. And in eternity, be in agreement with God, as to why things happened the way they did. But, until then, I am very thankful for the family and friends who have stuck by through the thick and thin. And I am making every effort not to take them for granted and embrace every moment.....
2 comments:
I love you <3
<3 you, too. :)
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